Cute House Horrors

This post at A Small Victory reminded me of something I've been meanin' to comment about.

…"See, I remember a passage in Nostradamus that referenced a curse being lifted at the same time the moon goes dark on a night when an evil man who looks like a fish begins his surrender to his dark lord. I swear, look it up. I would, but I'm afraid to Google something like that. Superstitions and all.

"Anyhow, the clues to the end of the world come out in a slow leak, like gas escaping from a pinhole. Speaking of which, I just saw something that looks like steam rising out of my lawn. Hang on while I go check this out."

No, I didn't dig any holes in Michele's lawn--I don't do diggin' holes, 'k?

Anyway, while AHM and me were walkin' and drivin' around the town, we started noticin' something curious--Halloween has become a big house-decoratin' holiday. Now most places just stick a themed wreath on the door or maybe a pumpkin or two on the stoop. Then there are The Others…

You regulars know my opinion of "cute houses." Yeah, I'm not real big on that exterior decoratin' concept. Makes me think you humans have waaaayyy too much time on your hands. And with the new Halloween decorating craze, some people have waaaayyy too little common sense. Either that or an unlimited credit account with Spencer's Gifts.

The new decoration-of-choice in the past year or so seems to be that barkin' great lighted PumpkinMan. Every time I see one of those suckers I wanna' take a big bite out of it just to see it blow up. The pups think it would be fun to knock it over and chase it around the yard. 'Course we'd probably be pickin' 'em out of the tree branches if the thing exploded in their faces--at least that's what happens with the balloons AHM brings home.

As if PumpkinMan on his own isn't bad enough, the homeowners usually combine him with strings of orange lights around the doors and windows and a few carved pumpkins on the stoop. Still pretty restrained, I guess, compared to The Others…

…like my favorite cute house up the street. I think those people have a busy little elf hidden in their basement that they only let out to strew tackiness far and wide, 'cause I've never actually seen humans outside doin' the work. I suppose it's a change from the bunny-chicken cuteness they usually display, but not by much.

One tree is draped with some sort of white stuff to look like a giant web with a big ole' spider dangling from the edge. Another is hung with bats and skeletons. Fake gravestones cluster on the corner edge of the yard, festooned with twinkly lights. (Well, either twinkly lights or there's a short in the wire somewhere.) They got a coffin leanin' against the side of the house, a whole litter of black cats skulking across the lawn, little pumpkins linin' the window sills, bloody arms and legs draped on the edge of a wheelbarrow, and fake green rubber hands pokin' out of the bushes.

The final touch is the pretend stone paper coverin' the door (so it looks like a crypt, I suppose) and some decrepit life-sized figure sittin' on their outside bench which the pups think is the biggest stuffed dog toy ever made. Every evening we just stand in awe of the blatant display of bad taste. (We have to stand in awe 'cause AHM won't let us off our leashes to do anything else.)

We probably could handle it, except there are dozens of other houses in the same condition! Some of 'em have every window covered with black webs and alternating witch/bat/skeleton cutouts. Another has dozens of luminous plastic skeletons hangin' from trees. Lots of 'em have homemade ghosts made from sheets stuffed with leaves flappin' in the breeze. (The effect of that last one is lost when the leaves start tricklin' out makin' it look like dirty laundry.)

But there does seem to be one outside decoration every one of these cute houses has in common that turns 'em into real houses of horror…

They all have Kerry/Edwards signs on their lawn.

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The Alpha and the Omega

Well, here's someone who gets the bottom line. I've been tellin' ya' forever about needin' to have an Alpha in charge. And it's exactly the reason I can safely say canines are republicans and fe-lyings are democrats.

"George W. Bush is a throwback to the strong male that, until 30 years ago, was the accepted norm. It is only because America's sexual culture has become genderless that Bush's normal masculine qualities are treated with suspicion. The election this November will determine whether the nation still wants to be led by an Alpha male."

If ya' want a strong pack, ya' gotta' have a strong Alpha. Without one ya' don't get the prime huntin' ground and the best food. And other packs will start invadin' and stealin' your stuff until your whole society is wrecked.

"When it comes to making strategic decisions, soft men are useless. More preoccupied with emotion than reason, they seek to please everyone rather than solve the problem. And what do they do when they need to show they're real men? They don't show it; they talk about it."

Uh huh. Seems to me I've heard that idea somewhere before.

"The laws of Alpha behavior are the backbone not only in the world of animals but also of men. Alpha types come in all forms, good and evil, male and female. They are born, not created. They have common traits such as focus, egocentricity, high energy, and strong wills. Great success, in high stake games, is usually the result of Alpha types. Leaders, not followers, shape this world. As in nature, a predator -- the Alpha type -- instinctively smells out weakness and vulnerability. No nation that expects to be respected and feared can be led by anyone other than a true Alpha-type personality."

Yeah, I know I'm repeatin' myself. And I know I'm a lightweight in the political commentary department. But you could do a lot worse than listen to me. (You could listen to those fe-lyings on Kerry's side, for instance.)

"Canines are very society-oriented. We understand that alpha males (and alpha females) are necessary for an orderly society. Of course we do tend to beat the shit out of the other guy to get the upper paw, but hey--we're dogs for cryin' out loud! Still, we have pack laws we follow and a pecking order. Generally we respect our alpha without a lot of major pissing contests. (At least none that he can see, anyway.)"

Anyone getting' the message yet? Listen up! We gotta' have a leader, not a fe-lying schmuck who worries more about rubbin' on the UN's shins than grabbin' the bad guys by the short hairs.


UPDATE: Mr. Minority found proof of the Geek Factor--though there is some commentor debate about whether it should be "geek" or "dork." I just call it fe-lyin'!

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The Emperor's Dog Has No Clothes

I warned you humans about these bogus pet psychics earlier, and here's more proof. This guy actually called a few just to get the lowdown. You've been warned. Now laugh it up, fuzzballs.

"I decide to test pet psychic veracity by phoning several. Since I don't have a pet, I pose as my own dog, who happens to go by my name…

I[nfiltrator]: No! And other dogs don't seem to get along with him. Can you hold on? HARMON, QUIT DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET! Sorry about that -- what were you saying?
[Pet Psychic 1]: You know what his thing is? He doesn't like rude dogs. He is very proper. Almost like, I guess, a butler. He likes things to be just so, while at the same time he's very lighthearted.

Infiltrator: He's aggressive to Grandma. Should I not like her?
[Pet Psychic 2]: One of the things Harmon said was that Grandma gets a little cranky at times, and so he ... let me look at my notes ... [Pause.] Oh, Harmon's absolutely funny, he just said [the psychic assumes a cartoony dog voice], "She's a bit cranky. I admit I don't get the warm and fuzzy feeling from her."

Why did Harmon chew up my slippers? (During this pet psychic session, I occasionally hold the phone away from me and make barking and yelping noises.)
Pet Psychic 4: I asked him if he chewed up your slippers, and he either doesn't remember it or is in total denial, 'cause it wasn't a big deal for him.
Infiltrator: [Ruff-ruff!] Well, here's the really weird part -- they were slippers given to me by Grandma! [Woof-woof!]
PP4: That's interesting. I'll talk to him about it. I'll tell him he needs to back off. I'll work with him. I often have clients call me two weeks later and say, "Oh my God, I thought it was stupid when you said this to me, but now I get it."
I: [Grrrrr-grrrrr!] GODDAMN IT, HARMON, STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG!
(Pet Psychic No. 4 recommends some New Age drops you put on your pet's head to "balance out his energy." They cost $17 a bottle. She happens to sell the stuff.)

I believe that my dog was President John F. Kennedy in a past life. Is this true?
Pet Psychic 8: There's a real controversy when animals talk about whether they were a person before. And, I have to tell you, they do that a lot. They say they were nuns, or priests, or warriors. They are not necessarily lying.
Infiltrator: [Getting annoyed.] So was my dog JFK or not?
PP8: [Pause.] Harmon wasn't exactly reincarnated into the president. But their energies really aligned and merged as one.

I'm not sayin' we don't talk to humans--course we do. But we don't play mind games. And ya' don't need no stinkin' "pet psychic" to know my thoughts. Just read my blog.

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